Most of you know that the roller-coaster ride of pregnancy (that I mentioned in my previous post) came to an abrupt halt this week. I am not ready yet to talk about the details... maybe I should to get it all out. But I have written and rewritten a post about a hundred times the last few days and I just don't think I am ready to share this horrible and personal experience with the world.
But as everyone can see there is no more Pregnancy ticker in my sidebar and we found out this past week that we lost identical twins at 7 weeks... and I will leave it by that.
But I don't want to just finish this topic just yet. The past few days have been horrible and I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life. But my glass is always half-full and therefor I am writing about 8 Things I am Thankful for:
1. My husband! I couldn't have done this without him. The day of my ultrasound I asked him to come with me because I was afraid to find out that we are either expecting multiples (because of my high levels) or that I would found out that I had a miscarriage. Both happened! He held my hand the entire time. He cried with me. He asked questions, because I couldn't. He called family and friends to let them know. He managed the household and took care of Jake. He gave me the space I needed, but was there for me if I needed him. He listened to me. He even picked me up food from my favorite restaurant. He tried to cheer me up, but also understood that I didn't want to laugh.
2. Jakey! I already have one beautiful child and I am so thankful for that. When I see him, he makes me realize that God already gave me this beautiful present.
The day we found out... Scot's dad took him to a baseball game, to give us some rest. He came home at night and saw that I cried. Jakey said to me: "Mommy, I had a great day! Did you have a bad one? Wait a minute I have something to make you feel better!" He pretended he was looking for something and then leaned down to me and gave me the sweetest kiss ever and said "all better now!" Thank you, Jakey!
3. My friends. I had so many people call and check on me. Write me beautiful e-mails and cards. It really made me feel like someone really cares. Friends came over to help me with Jake and just let me cry. People listened to me and that was just what I needed the most.
4. My NMD support group. These Ladies are awesome! People who I have never met sent me cards and presents. I got lovely e mails and private messages from the women saying how sorry they are and that they will be there for me... again these are people I have never met! They showered me with kindness and love! Thank you so very much!
5. The nurses and doctors. Everyone was so sweet and understanding to me. I never felt like I was "just" another miscarriage. They took their time to listen to me and let me cry. They understood exactly what we are going through and really helped us. When I was wheeled into the surgery room for my D&C, I honestly just lost it. I cried and cried. It was a scary experience... there were so many doctors and nurses around me, the room and bed was cold and I was about to be put under. This one nurse came to me and leaned down and whispered in my ear that she had the same procedure done the month before and that she will hold my hand the entire time. When I woke up 30 minutes later, she was still holding my hand!
6. God. I am not really a religious person and most of you know that. I believe in God, but I only go to church for the big holidays. But right before I was put under I prayed a quick prayer for inner peace. That I will be able to walk away from this, stronger and not broken. That I will have other children and that I am confident about knowing this. I woke up and I haven't cried since... yeah maybe I should cry and I am sure I will. But right now I feel a sense of peace and relief. I know I will be okay and I know my family will be okay.
7. Procrastination! I have pushed working on my green card application package for the longest time and know is the perfect time to finish it. It gives me something to do, that doesn't involve a lot of activity and it gives me something else to think and worry about.
8. HBO on Demand and Tivo! Scot is going to be shocked when he gets our next cable bill. I have rented every sappy love story that was on there these last few days. I really recommend Into the Wild (not so much a love story), Juno and really don't recommend P.S.: I love you. These movies were a life saver when I couldn't sleep at night!
I know I will be okay... I just need some time. I know another baby is in our future and this was no ones fault just a fluke of nature.
Thank you for listening!