Something I have been struggling with for a while is being a perfect mom.
THE perfect mom.
I know I am not. I have been told I am not and I am not blind... my house is a mess, the laundry never gets put a way, I loose my temper, my 5 year old still doesn't know his ABC's, the little one always cries... I don't know how to sew, I forget things ALL.THE.TIME, bla bla bla... you get it.
Today, I loaded both of my kids up to drive an order to a client. Jake and I have had a cold, but we needed to get out of the house.
On our way home we decide to stop at the lake. We talked about it earlier in the day, but dissed the idea because it was raining and well we were sick.
I figure we stop anyways.
For days now I have the PERFECT image in my head of Jake out in an open field. There are lots of fields and wildflowers near the lake. Baby asleep, so I get Jake and myself out for a very short mini session. I am all excited, because the field is PERFECT... just like I dreamed about!
I take one picture.
No, you see it right. It is blank. I forgot to set my settings right. After this one picture Jake is screaming, he is done... the sun is burning him up, the grass is too spiky, i don't want to, i don't want to.
Yes, I was mad. All I want is one PERFECT picture of my kid... and I can't have it. I just can't. I try, I really try. I even try not to try and leave him alone. Wait did this make sense? Damn this is my job and I can't do it for my own children.
I just can't be perfect.
I get in the car... Jake is crying. I am crying. And here is what he says to me (he really did say this word for word)
He says "Mommy, I just want to have a perfect day with you!"
I cry and ask "What do you want to do?"
"I want to go to the lake"
So, we go.
I was not prepared. Luckily I had a blanket (actually a sheet) in the trunk, I had a little bit of formula, I had sun lotion, a diaper... and i think that's it.
We get there. Within 30 seconds Jake is swimming in the water with his clothes on... well and his cold. Finn is eating fists full of sand. Both kids are splashing in the murky water, laughing and giggling. Finn spent 2 1/2 hours naked on the beach... I only had one extra diaper and the diaper he was wearing before was full of sand.
Finn was content. I was content. Jake was just soooo happy.
When we got home. I bathed my children. Washed away the sand and smelled them one more time... they smelled sunkissed and perfect.
I know I am not perfect. BUT I am perfect at trying to be perfect!